From Internal Negotiation to External Impact: Building Conflict Resilience for Adaptive Leadership
In today's rapidly evolving and often polarized landscape, the ability to navigate disagreement constructively and lead through uncertainty has become paramount. Robert Bordone and Dr. Joel Salinas's recently released book, Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In, offers a powerful framework for engaging with conflict in a way that fosters understanding and strengthens relationships, rather than leading to impasse or escalation. Simultaneously, the principles of Adaptive Leadership provide a roadmap for tackling complex challenges that lack easy answers, emphasizing experimentation, learning, and mobilizing stakeholders. While seemingly distinct, these two approaches are deeply intertwined, offering complementary pathways for individuals and organizations seeking to thrive amidst complexity.
Undergirding the practical strategies of both Conflict Resilience and Adaptive Leadership is a profound understanding of adult development. The groundbreaking work of Robert Kegan illuminates the ongoing journey of human growth, marked by an increasing capacity to hold complexity and navigate multiple perspectives. Kegan's stages of adult development illustrate our ability to move from reactive to more self-authoring and self-transforming mindsets. This developmental progression directly impacts our capacity for both conflict resilience – the ability to engage with disagreement without being overwhelmed – and adaptive leadership – the ability to lead effectively when facing ambiguous and multifaceted problems. This developmental lens, further explored by Bob Anderson and William Adams in their book Mastering Leadership, reveals that cultivating the creative competencies associated with higher stages of adult development is key to unlocking greater leadership effectiveness and achieving positive impact in an increasingly intricate world.
The Conflict Resilience framework, with its emphasis on "naming," "exploring," and "committing," offers concrete practices that directly bolster a leader's ability to navigate adaptive challenges. The initial step of naming our internal reactions and the various selves within us is described by Bordone and Salinas as "mirror work" in their chapter on embracing internal negotiation. This is akin to the Adaptive Leadership practice of "getting on the balcony" to diagnose the adaptive challenge. Cultivating such self-awareness allows leaders to identify the often-invisible dynamics at play, recognizing their own contributions to the system and what they might be subject to, paving the way for a more objective understanding of the challenge at hand.
The second stage of Conflict Resilience, exploring, which involves genuine curiosity and deep listening to understand others' perspectives, directly aligns with the diagnostic phase of Adaptive Leadership. Bordone and Salinas draw on "chair work" – originating in Gestalt Therapy – for embodying and understanding one's competing interests. This internal exploration, following the initial "mirror work" of self-awareness, then informs how we prepare to engage with others. Chair work involves physically embodying different aspects of our internal 'selves' by moving between designated chairs, giving audible voice and agency to each viewpoint and its associated emotions. The authors explain how this physical enactment supports our brain's ability to change and adapt (neuroplasticity). Engaging our senses and muscle movements in this way facilitates functional changes in brain networks. It strengthens desired connections, allowing us to reprogram and rewire new patterns of behavior for greater conflict resilience, much like a cellist rehearsing a complex piece. This deeper self-understanding fuels a more empathetic and effective approach to external dialogue and navigating adaptive challenges.
Finally, the committing phase of Conflict Resilience, focused on deciding how to move forward constructively, finds its parallel in the Adaptive Leadership practice of mobilizing action. This stage is where 'table work' – the actual engagement and interaction with others in a negotiation or conflict – takes place. Bordone and Salinas emphasize the importance of deliberate and reflective preparation for this table work, drawing on the self-awareness gained through mirror work and the understanding of our competing interests from chair work. This preparation involves slowing down our thinking, clearly identifying our own underlying interests, anticipating the interests of others, and brainstorming potential options for moving forward. By engaging in this thorough preparation, we are better equipped to show up authentically and strategically during the table work itself, whether the goal is finding agreement, continuing dialogue, or making a conscious decision to disengage with integrity. This thoughtful preparation directly supports the adaptive leader's aim to strategically intervene in ways that encourage learning, build capacity, and address the core of the challenge with a clear understanding of the various interests at play during those crucial interactions. Furthermore, the book’s emphasis on building a culture that fosters open dialogue and integrity directly supports the adaptive leader's goal of creating an environment where difficult conversations can occur and progress can be made.
I was recently struck by how these concepts play out in real organizational settings. During a recent meeting, what I expected would be a lively debate about an important implementation strategy was met with pin-drop silence. What was going on? The absence of productive conflict signaled a deeper adaptive challenge – team members were avoiding necessary tension due to unspoken concerns about hierarchy and psychological safety. This moment reminded me how crucial it is to create environments where constructive disagreement is not just permitted but encouraged.
To help you put these powerful concepts into practice, here are some actionable strategies you can begin implementing today:
💥Practice "Mirror Work": When faced with a challenging issue or conflict, take a moment to reflect on the different perspectives and emotions arising within yourself. Literally, or figuratively, identify the various "selves" contributing to your internal dialogue.
💥Cultivate Genuine Curiosity Through Deep Listening: Embrace the practice of deep listening by employing the following behaviors highlighted by Bordone and Salinas:
Reflecting Back: Ensure you've captured the main arguments, facts, and emotional spirit of the other person.
Open-Ended Inquiry: Ask genuine and curious questions that encourage elaboration and deeper thinking (e.g., "Say more about that," "Help me understand your perspective").
Mindful Silence and Focused Nonverbal Attention: Intentionally pause to allow for reflection and demonstrate care and concern through your nonverbal cues.
💥Identify the "Adaptive Challenge": Before jumping to solutions, take a step back to diagnose the core adaptive challenge at play. What deeply held values or loyalties are in tension? What potential losses might people be experiencing?
The powerful insights shared in Robert Bordone and Dr. Joel Salinas's Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In provide a crucial guide for navigating the inevitable disagreements of leadership and life. I highly recommend picking up a copy to delve deeper into their practical framework for fostering stronger relationships and more productive outcomes in the face of conflict.
To learn more about how to cultivate conflict resilience in your leadership and team, and explore how Third Order Change can accelerate your authentic leadership, I invite you to visit our website or reach out to us directly.